FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY!

HAPPY FRIDAY PEOPLE!  As you can see, I'm pretty stoked that today is Friday!  I'm so ready for the weekend.  So, since it's the end of the month and I'm actually really busy at work today, I'm going to keep it very simple.  Here is an awesome list of SUPER cool stuff that I want and I think that everyone should have!!  Prepare yourself, I'm in a wild kind of mood today.



I want one of these!   I mean, when I don't feel like getting up to go to work most mornings, this might be the extra helping hand that I need!!!  Genius!  Just genius! 



These little fellows...Well, I've been addicted to Angry Birds for quite some time now and if I had the plush toys, well, lets just say that pig would be getting FUCKED!  Real life is sometimes better.  Pigs be ready to be SORRY!  Very sorry!



At first, I was thinking that maybe Pinocchio was in there....Is this some cruel sex torture chamber for our beloved Disney character or what?  WTF is this?  OH!  It's just a toothpick dispenser.  Yep, I need one.  NOT.



Because every hamster needs a helmet.  I'll take the helmet but you can keep the damn hamster.  I have enough shit to keep alive at my house as it is.  I think I'll send this pic to Dazzle and Neon, they will flip out.  LOL, AHHHH the joys of being a kid.



Now, this I actually want!  This is a super cool shower curtain to scare the shit (yes, literally) out of anyone that dares to go into my bathroom and take a huge, stank ass dump.  That's what you get for unloading at my house!  Scream bitch!  Scream!  :) Talking mostly to Jade here, she is ALWAYS taking a stank dump at my crib! Here's the link so someone can buy it for me.  Christmas is coming and the goose is getting fat.  I wasn't playin!  http://www.coolshityoucanbuy.com/



Um, hello!  Fucking epic!  Every music lover needs one!  Lionel, you're my hero!



This is where I want to go when I get off of work each day.  I would drop kick that kid in the forehead (I mean, take your little guitar and get the fuck out of my way!)  In my little area of happiness I would have a handle of vodka, some tropical punch koolaid (gotta have a chaser baby), and Robert Pattinson.  Enough said.



HEY!  This little gadget turns your bathroom faucet into a water fountain!  I WANT IT!  How cute.  Yes, I'm serious!



OMFG, I really wish I could say that was my idea and I invented it but nope, I can't.  Anyhow, it's cool as shit!  Who doesn't look at that and think FUN FUN FUN!  Now if we just had that huge body of water in our backyard...hmmmmm.



I want these so I can wear them to work.  NO?  WHY THE FUCK NOT?  All the other girls wear their damn bedroom slippers...why can't I wear my Easy Feet? 



Like I said before, everything can't be a joke...I really, really like this little guy.  He's cute and Neon would LOVE him!  What a cute idea!  No batteries needed either!  http://foolishgadgets.com/page/2/  Thank you for this link Kitti!



A real rubber band gun!  I need one of these for work too!  I can just shoot them up into the air and let them hit people at random.  I wonder how long it would take for them to figure out it was me.  Muahahahahahahaha!

 That's all for today folks!  I really need to do some work and Hulu is calling my name!  I hope everyone has an awesome weekend and since I don't blog at home, till Monday then!

We Were Naive...But Only Once

I know I mentioned in one of my previous posts that Supa and I got involved with a churchy cult once and since I'm sitting here at work relaxing in my chair, I have time to explain. 


Trust me, it sure as hell looked normal on the outside but it was a hella mess on the inside!

 Let's rewind back to around...2003.  We were very young except for Supa, he's such an old fart and the kids were really little.  Dazzle was 3 and Neon was just around 6 months old.  We had been hanging out with one of my best friends from high school and her husband for quite awhile.  We loved being with them!  They had a son around Dazzle's age and we were just together all the time.  We'll call them Mr. and Mrs. X.  We had some of the best times!! 
I'm very sad to say that the more we hung out with this super couple, the less I hung out with Jade.  Let's just say that wasn't one of my greatest achievements.

In the mean time let me tell you a little back story....Supa and I never really grew up in church.  I mean, we both went to church sometimes with whoever but not a really structured upbringing in one particular church.  SO, being the young cute little family that we were, we decided that the right thing to do would be to find a wonderful church to go to.  Great idea right?  Sounds reasonable even.  Oh hell.  The best sounding shit always turns out terrible.  We started visiting churches all around us.  We drove to a different town every Sunday, asked all our friends to take us to church with them and met all sorts of people.  Unfortunately, not to talk shit about most Southern Baptist churches but yeah I'm talking all kinds of shit we found judgement, criticism and political bullshit.  Not my cup of tea. 


I heard comments like "Did you know you're going to hell because you're wearing pants?!"  I like my reply "You're going to hell because you're a judgmental dumbass!"  Yep, they hated us everywhere we went! 
We got quite a few ugly stares.

 After a good effort on our part we just gave up.  Mr. and Mrs. X invited us to visit their church.  Harmless right?  Hardly!  We went to their church and it looked totally normal.  The people looked normal too and it seemed like a pretty nice place.  That is, until the service began.  Oh fuck me!  They were yelling.  They were screaming.  They were even falling on the floor!  At first, I just thought it was fake (and maybe it totally was) and that this must just be a one time incident.  It was like a really good freak show inside a church.  So we stayed through the whole service trust, we are not too good to get up in front of your ass and walk out in the middle of what the hell ever is going down and we stayed and talked to the people afterwards (who after the falling down and screaming part, seemed completely normal once again!)  It was so weird! 


They didn't just want $1.00 I promise you that!

We told Mr. and Mrs. X that we were really creeped out by the fact that everyone was throwing themselves on the floor and screaming and crying but they assured us that they were just "feeling the spirit".  This type of behavior was completely normal and we should just do what we feel.  (Did they mean like running in the other direction or sleeping in on Sunday mornings from now on?)   So, we went again.

This might as well been us on the way to church.

We ended up going to church there for months.  We would go to church, go out to lunch with Mr. and Mrs. X and then go back to their house (very close to the church) and hang out for awhile and then head back home.  (30 mins away mind you)  I got to the point where I just wanted to "go to church" so I could hang out with Mrs. X and eat afterwards!  I wasn't interested in what the pastor was saying in the least bit.  They had us though....yes they sure did.  They had us believing that you had to give 10% of your damn income to the church, who the fuck came up with that rule? that you had to volunteer in the church nursery, and all kinds of other crazy stuff.  They actually had me so convinced at one point that I threw away ALL my cd's because they were considered "secular" music.  OMFG!!  What the hell was wrong with me?!  Anyone that knows me, know that I LIVE for music!!  I wish to God that someone had slapped the shit out of me right then and there and said "Excuse me but what the fuck are you doing?!"  I thought all that was supposed to be a choice...not a requirement.  The pastor was speaking in tongues (which I don't even know Spanish, how the hell was I supposed to understand the sermon if he was speaking in a language I'm not fluent in?!)  It just got to be too much. 

There was absolutely no fucking way I was going to dress like this!

During this time of total brainwashedness, (Ha, look at me Ma, I made up a word!) I pretty much completely stopped talking to Jade.  I mean, she wasn't in the cult so that meant she was going to hell.  (Hence the brainwashing)  Which was totally fine with me because I had Mrs. X...all high and mighty and falling out on the fucking floor!  I feel so bad now for shutting out Jade but Jesus, what is a girl supposed to do?  I didn't exactly have my cult repellant on at that time.

Long, long, long story later, we stopped going to church there.  Something caused us to snap the fuck out of it and get the hell out of there and never return.  Thank god!  It was a close call but we survived and now we know that we don't need to go to some freak circus to get into the pearly gates of heaven.  We're older, wiser (and I'm much more practiced at being a complete smartass and much quicker to tell someone they are full of shit and fuck off) and less easy to manipulate.  If anyone reading this blog goes to a church like this one, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME, you're insane!  Sorry!  God told me that it's OK to have an opinion!  :)  Have a nice day!



Love me or hate me...Is there anything between?



Why me?!?!

OK, well, obviously every single blog can't be all roses, happiness and laughter.  Some days are shitty and anyone that tells me that they don't have a bad day from time to time is full of themselves.  I don't buy it.  Anyfuckingway, I'm having a really crappy day so far.  I'm not going to even go into WHY it's been crappy, because if I said all my reasons out loud they would sound super duper FUCKING dumb.  I have nothing real to complain about and I should be so lucky to have the life that I have.  NOTE TO SELF:  Stop complaining and be happy about what you do have!  OK, now that I've gotten that out of my system, let's get down to business!



I'm not really happy with this picture but you get my point. 

 I'm having to try really hard to be creative today.  I guess that has to do with my majorly pissy mood.  Don't expect anything super awesome...but...

I did tell my coven friends about this blog finally.  I know one month of bloggy adventures isn't really a long time to keep it a secret but I had a hard time not talking about it for 5 minutes around them.  I mean, they really suck the info out of you.  Just kidding.  It's just normal for us to talk and talk and talk about EVERYfuckingTHING so trust, it was difficult.  Now that I'm out of the closet not in that way but keep wishing! I have to worry about constant scrutiny and judgement because those crazy bitches are tough!  HA!  Joking again.  Kitti and Ace seemed to love it.  Kitti was all serious on me for most of the time but I think she was just trying to soak it all in.  Ace laughed out loud quite a bit so that made me feel magical!  Lolly started reading on my deck but said I talked way too much and she'd have to finish it later, LOL.  I was bored sitting there, holding my breath, waiting for her to finish reading anyhow. 

I starting doing this and then realized what an asshole I looked like actually twirling my thumbs...who does that shit in real life anyway?

Supa Darling said he was going to read it.  Then he saw Ace swooning over some of my man pictures in earlier posts and now he won't fucking touch it!  GREAT!  I told him that was hurtful to my ego and my feelings were damaged.  He still hasn't read it yet.  What a shocker!  I ain't mad at ya Supa.  I love you to death but you piss me the hell off sometimes!

Jade is on vacay to NY to visit her family.  She left last Friday and she's coming back tomorrow and I can't freaking wait!!!  She lives the closest to me and when I want to run by her house and see her face well, I want to run by her house and see her face!  It sucks when she's gone but I know she is having a blast visiting her family...SO, I haven't told her about bloggy world yet.  I'm pretty excited to see what she has to say. 


This is how I feel while I'm at work cause the phone is always ringing!!

On a totally different subject, I talk to Lolly (and she ain't the only one let me tell you) everyday over email while we're getting paid to do nothing working and today she tells me that she's having some issues with her beaver.  Yes, I said beaver.  Also known as VAGINA.  Why is everyone always so squeemish about saying that word?  ANYHOW, she's having pain.  Like real pain and she's sitting at work!?  I told her that she needs to take her flesh cavern to the doctor pronto!  What if something is seriously wrong with it?  Everyone needs a healthy love glove!  To be continued......PS, I'm sure she's gonna be really happy that I'm talking about her vertical bacon sandwich!!

Now that I've rambled on much more than I intended to today, I'll say peace out for now.  I might blog again this afternoon to keep the boredom away but for now, I need to watch America's Got Talent at my desk  do some WORK.

Nothing in My Life is Ever Easy

Supa Daddy went to Carmax yesterday to sell his car (if sell is the word that you would use for the pennies they are giving us for it) and lo' and behold there is a problem.  I should have foreseen a fucking issue brewing on the Darling horizon.  That's normal.

I wish this was my only damn problem.  WTF  If I should be so lucky.

Apparently, the DMV put the wrong mileage on the title.  HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?! 

Hi, my name is COMPLETE DUMBASS and I am a DMV employee.
 I promise to FUCK your TITLE UP and charge you $25.00 for it!

So, since the title had more miles on it than the car did, guess what that meant...We had to put miles on the car so that it would match what the title says.  Sheesh.  I just wanted to go home and relax after work.  Did that happen?  HELLS NO!  The appraisal from Carmax was only going to be good for a few more days so we had to HURRY UP!  This was yesterday, on a Tuesday.  What happens on Tuesday's?  I put my foot directly up Carmax's ass! Ace Serene comes over to RELAX and watch Weeds.  Yes, we've moved from Sex And The City to True Blood to Weeds currently and we like it so far.  Kitti Marmalade loaned us all the DVDs because she loves it.  I'm getting SO off track here....

ANYHOWEVER, I asked Ace if she wanted to ride with me because hell, I probably would have said hell no, I'll just stay my ass home!  The faithful friend that she is, she said she didn't care what we did as long as we were spending time together :)  aww!  Love you Ace!  We hopped in Supa's car and rode all the way to Camden and back (about 45 mins one way).  I thought it was going to suck balls but we had a blast.  We talked, chain smoked, texted (well she did) and sang songs from my iPod at the top of our lungs!!  I called Kitti on our way out to see if she wanted us to pick her up on the way and join in on the shenanigans but she didn't answer!  Of course she texted me and asked if I was okay since we NEVER talk on the phone and she probably thought that aliens had abducted me or I ran off with the sexy stripper Steve from America's Got Talent. 

Hey Sweetie :) If and when Supa Darling reads this, he won't be happy about that last comment.

While riding that ridiculously long way virtually for fucking nothing, we had some amazing songs to choose from.  Who doesn't love a little Queen every now and then.  Also, our latest obsession, Florence + The Machine was really keeping the car rockin'.  :)  I'm glad that we went.  We accomplished what we set out to do and the car should be Carmax, don't make me cut someone up there  sold today. 

Thank you Ace for standing beside me, even when I want to go on a crazy adventure that only makes a tad bit of sense.  Love you!

This is a Non-Title Kind of Day

I don't have a title for today's post.  I have a few random things to say and I'm about to fall asleep at my desk so this is kind of a hoax posting.  Meaning, I have nothing else to do and I'm even bored of watching TV at my desk.  So, we'll see what kind of crap comes out of my fingers and ends up on the screen. 

Such a smallish little word to be chapping the hell out of my ass!!

Randomness #1:  EBay:
My work friend, we'll call her, Red Lady, offered to list some items on eBay for me since she is an EBay QUEEN.  I wouldn't dare turn that offer down.  I need the money in the worst way!  So, she put three shirts on EBay for me and sold one (so far)!!  That was a little bit exciting.  Then she informed me that last week she sold $100.00 of her own stuff on EBay!  I want to do that too!!!  Or so I thought....

So, I get on EBay, all ready to work my little fingers off to make some extra money (while sitting on my ass at work cause it's fun to get paid while you're getting paid right?!).  I can't figure the shit out!  I tell you, I'm no dummy.  My common sense is pretty awesome and I Kan Reed can read!  In fact, I'd have to say my reading skills are pretty fucking wonderful too!  I can keep mini humans alive and I can pat my belly while I rub my head but EBay, forget it!  I just give up.  WHY does it seem so daunting and complicated?!  With all the technology of today, why is this task that seems so simple, so hard?  I ask my Red Lady to help me and she's too busy.  She didn't say that but I would be busy too if I was at my desk selling $100.00+ stuff on EBay at work.  Well, you know what I have to say to that?  FUCK YOU EBAY!  I never liked you anyway and I still don't like you now. 

Randomness #2:  Avoiding People When You Arrive At Work:

I understand the whole "I'm not a morning person" thing.  I get that.  Really I do. 
This is usually how I feel in the mornings:



Nope, not me...but it's exactly how I feel in the mornings

Here's the funny thing.  When I pull into the parking lot at work (music blaring..yeah, I know, probably one reason I get avoided) if someone is in their car getting ready to walk into the building because they got there just before I did,  they RUN to the door.  Really?  Do I stink?  Usually loaded down with bags and crap to entertain myself with while at work, I'm slow getting to the door anyhow.  Eye contact and a good morning from these people?  Never!  It's just really strange to me that they try that hard to avoid.  I'm going to see you inside the building!  What is the difference?  I'm afraid that I'm being avoided because I'm the weirdo....but maybe, it really is their problem?  I THINK SO!  Bastards!

Randomness #3:  Work Bullshit:

OK, so I work in a call center at a credit union.  Sounds simple right?  WRONG. 

Here is what happens all the time at work:

Member: Hello, my name is Jack Me Off and I'm with So and So company.

Me:  Silence

Member:  Silence

**WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY AT THIS POINT?** 

So, I usually say "OK, and how may I help you?"  What is up with that very awkward silence?  I don't care who you are and even thought I'm getting paid to care, I really don't give a fuck about what you want either but can you please tell me what you want so I can get you off of my phone?  Thanks!  Why do they pause and wait for you to say WHAT?  I don't understand.  This isn't a one time occurrence either....this happens a lot.  I'm really convinced right now that they think if they tell me their name, then I'll know what they want.  REALLY?  You're nobody!  I mean, you are somebody but in the big scheme of my day, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?  Nobody.  Please don't think that I'm going to know what you want based on your name...because I won't AND I will blog about it later and tell the entire bloggy world what a LOSER you are!  :)

I'm pretty sure since you sound dumb, you look dumb too.  I'm just sayin'!

I'm also pretty sure that when you ask your "man" to pick up the other phone and help curse me out, he looks a little like this. 

Alrighty, I think I'm done ranting for today.  I hope someone can understand how I'm feeling....seeing as how I'm so damn random today.  Until next time....

Happy Three Day Weekend!!

I really don't care about it being the 4th of July very much.  I don't have any money to buy anything special to eat or go anywhere.  We're not having or going to anyone's cookout. (I don't need the damn extra calories anyway)  I am very excited that I don't have to work on Monday!  I'm always ready to spend some extra time with the kids and Supa Darling.  Since Supa's boss is such a stupid, selfish bitch, she'll probably give herself the entire weekend off while making Supa slave over her department all 3 days.  I hate her, I really do.  Okay, okay, I'm not supposed to hate people, I know....but she's just got it coming to her!  Who the fuck operates like that?  The man works his ass off and she's just constantly making him work all the damn time!!  URG!!!  Sorry, but when my husband has to work like 15 days in a row with no day off, it makes him a little cranky which in turn makes me a little cranky....Rant rant rant.


I typed "Happy 3 Day Weekend" into Google Images and this is what I got....Wow...Lady Gaga, you are universal as SHIT!

I don't really know what my girls are doing for the 3 day weekend......

Lolly Gal is going out of town with her new boyfriend....I don't even know the dude's last name and he's taking one of my sisters away for days?  You better watch out new boyfriend, if she doesn't come back exactly the same as when you took her, we will all CUT YOU.  And I ain't even remotely playin!!!

Kitti Marmalade is probably going to be hanging out with her family all weekend...especially  Mama Marmalade.  I'm very sad to say that Papa Marmalade passed away today, two years ago, and her Mom is going to need her and vice versa.  I'll be thinking about her all weekend and texting to her but I don't think I'll get to see her BUT if I do, I'll be excited about that.  I know how I feel when it is around the holidays about Grama Darling...Sad and something pretty close to suicidal.  But I always manage to get through the hard times with the love of Supa Darling, the kids and my friends and I know she'll be fine, too.  She is one strong little Kitti!

Jade Mask is probably just going to be hanging out with her family too.  I know I'll see her tonight.  She's coming over to keep me company while Supa Darling closes.  I'm pretty excited to see her since I haven't seen her all week...How did that shit happen?  I'm sure that we will have plenty of shenanigan goings ons even thought it will only be the two of us :)

No, this isn't a picture of us...but see that tent in the background that says "Freaks" on it...Yep, we're all in there...Lolly, Jade, Kitti, Ace and myself...  Just waiting to be let out!

Ace will probably be on her Mom and Dad's boat this weekend.  I mean, the girl is always on the damn boat.  If I want to talk to her, I have to call the fucking coast guard.  I guess she has some kind of lame ass "No cell phone while in the water" rule.  I mean, when I swim, the phone is in my damn pocket.  AT ALL TIMES means AT ALL TIMES, BITCH!  Just kidding.  I haven't found a water proof phone yet but I'm working on it!  I need my phone to be able to swim, be dropped in the toilet without fail and thrown into glasses of tea.  Why won't they get their shit together and invent that?!  OK, totally off of subject here....Anyhow, Ace, I'll miss her while she is swimming phoneless this weekend but I'll see her on Tuesday for our night of mischief. 

So, that just leaves me.  Apple.  Like I said, I don't have SHIT to do this weekend.  Supa Darling will be at the Pub-dizzle, busting his ass.  Mini Darlings, Dazzle Darling and Neon Darling, will be keeping me company and maybe we can watch a movie or something...TOO much excitement!!  Oh my!  LOL

I haven't talked about anything very serious in my blog so far.  Not to be tooo serious but my whole family lives in Chicago (and for those who don't know anything about me...I'm in South-fuck me in the ass-Carolina)...so, that is why I won't be with my family this weekend...or any other weekend for that matter.  It does suck being so far away and I don't think I'll ever get used to it.  My little family here is enough to keep me busy and my coven, *snicker snicker*, I just can't stop calling them that sisters are my family in SC so....I'm really glad to have them.  I would LOSE MY FREAKING MIND without them!

What I imagine it would look like to have no sisters from other Mothers.

Anyhow...I guess I'm done ranting and raving for today.  I hope that everyone has an awesome 4th of July 3 day weekend!!  I'm sure I'll have something to blog about on Tuesday when I return to hell work.  ;)