A Blast From The Past

This is my 100th blog post.  Yep, that's right!  I really can't believe it!  I was going to try to come up with an awesome top 100 whatever list for this post but I couldn't really find the time to come up with a list of 100 anything.....LOL.  I think I'll just go with a round of applause and keep on typing....

<Round of applause!!!>

Okay, back to business as usual.....

I saw this picture on Facebook that one of my high school buddies posted and I couldn't not share....



Oh hells no!!

If I came across a trailer in the middle of the road on my way to work (or anywhere else for that matter) I would be pretty pissed.  I feel that this is worse than a train.  BUT here in the South, I have seen many a trailer in the middle of the fucking road.  Houses on wheels, baby!
Aunt Darling submitted these next two cute ones....

And if you don't like it, kiss my ass!  LOL  Whoever took this picture was right on time!!



Just try not to sit on the person's face.  LOL  In any other case, that might cause them to become angrier. 

That's all the funnies I have for today, folks.  AND there is nothing really exciting going on in my life right this second so I decided it's time for a blast from the past......

Who's ready for story time boys and girls????  teehee!!

Okay so a long time ago, when I was about 13 or 14, my Mom let me go spend the night with my friend Manipulation (yes, I know that is a terrible name for a person but she was a master manipulator or so she thought she was and we're not friends anymore for that very reason so....who gives a damn right?  She's lucky I'm not using her real name bitch)  I was feeling a little under the weather....Runny nose and what not but I wasn't SICK so I decided I could still go hang out.

I had been friends with Manipulation since I was about 10 and I was at her house/she was at my house all the damn time.  We were at her house, perfectly safe and happy, when she said she was going to ask her Mom if we could go spend the night with her Aunt Netty in O'Burg.  Well, at this point in my teens I was up for anything so I was like cool.  I think I called and told my Mom that her Mom was taking us over there and she didn't care....But I really can't remember if I even told my Mom we were going.  This was before I ever had a cell phone so....who knows....


I mean, if you were rich, you had one of these ancient Motorola bag/car phones.  They were huge!  We didn't have one and I wouldn't get a cell phone as we know it today until many years later.

So, Manipulator's Mom took us to Netty's house and dropped us off for the night.  This was the first time I had met her Aunt Netty and she seemed kind of strange.  She lived in a pretty nice neighborhood, in a cute little house and I remember it was Christmas time so she had the tree up and the house decorated.  She also had her Mom living with her and she seemed like a crazy old bat.  She stayed in her room all the time and every now and then she would wander down the hall with this totally blank stare in her eyes.  It really creeped my 13-14 year old self out.  I just stayed away from her.

Netty also had a son that was about 6 or 7 at the time and he was Autistic. 

**HUGE SIDE NOTE**
Now, I know this sounds so insane and most people do not understand where I am coming from but I am totally scared of people with mental disabilities.  People with Down Syndrome, Autism, just all people that have a mental handicap scare the fuck out of me and always have. I didn't know why I had this fear  for a really long time but now I think I understand it better.  They are totally unpredictable.  You never know what they are going to do or say.  That scares me.  I am never mean or rude to a person with disabilities but I stay as far away from them as possible.  It's a real fear.  Like I'm afraid of spiders....AND mentally disabled people.  When they approach me in public, I just shut down.  I crawl inside myself and become completely unresponsive and freaked out.  Shit.   I have talked to God about this and he has promised to not hold it against me.  It takes a special kind of person to help those special kind of people and I'm just not special in that area.  My intent isn't bad.  I just can't shake my fear.
**END SIDE NOTE**


The scariest place on earth to me....The Special Olympics!

I don't think my friend knew about this intense fear that I have because I don't usually tell people about it.  9 times out of 10, they don't understand.  Now, to me for some reason, kids with mental disabilities are less scary than adults to me.  Don't ask me why. If she would have told me this before we went over there, I wouldn't have went.  Just being honest.  But since he was a little guy, I was less afraid.  What I didn't know was that he had severe autism.  He was the kid that ran up and jumped in your lap and put you in a headlock because his Mom let him watch wrestling.  He was also the kid that (if you left him unattended for too long) would go poop in his pants and then paint the walls with his poop.  I sat around in fear for a few hours getting to know this family.

Aunt Netty had other problems as well.  One of them was the fact that she weighed around 450 lbs.  She had some serious health issues and I couldn't figure out how she was taking care of her elderly mother crazy old loon and her autistic son, as well as herself.  The fact that she could barely get off the couch and walk to the kitchen was very alarming to me. 

So, as the night wore on, Manipulator ended up calling her cousin Nicey (the girl was really nice, what can I say??) and she decided to come over.  (I knew Nicey and she had been friends with all of us since I was about 10 too so I was glad to see her) 

Then when she got there somehow we ended up on the phone with a cute boy that Manipulator liked.  Nicey and I on one phone and Manipulator on the extension.  It didn't take long for said cute boy to invite us all over to his house.  We could spend the night, he said.  His Mom was fine with it....

We had to get ready, makeup, hair, the whole nine.  Then Manipulator somehow convinced Aunt Netty to take us over there and drop us off.  By the time we got there (way across town but still in O'Burg) it was probably 11 PM.  Too late (in my opinion now) for a 13-14 year old to be out. 

The three of us, plus cute guy, just sat in the living room and watched a movie.  Nothing bad happened and I ended up falling asleep on the floor.  I never saw an adult and I wondered for a moment where his Mom was.  Oh wells....<snore snore, I had no problem passing out on a strangers floor> I swear, kids this age don't have a care in the world.

The next thing I know, I am being woken up by an old Chinese lady with a cane.  She's standing over me pounding the floor with her cane about 3 inches from my face screaming, "Who are you?  Wake up!  Get out of my house!!"  At that moment, I spring off of the floor, grab my coat and go stand by the front door, kind of huddling in the corner. Manipulator and Nicey wake up at this point and join me by the door.  The Chinese woman is still screaming and Mr. Cute Guy is nowhere to be seen.  I figured at this point he was probably back in his bedroom sleeping soundly.

She kind of looked like this sort of crazy except older and with a big threatening cane. 

So we did what any scared 13-14 year olds do.  We left.  We turned around and walked right out the front door. 

Let's back track just for a second, shall we?  We arrive at crazy Chinese lady's house around 11PM or so.  It's dark and I don't notice a single thing.  Now that it's light outside I notice quite a lot. 

**We're in some trashy ass trailer park in the middle of O'Burg and I'm not really sure where exactly we are

**We're standing in a really nasty front yard and at that point I wonder how clean the floor was that I was just sleeping on

**It's cold as fuck outside and I don't know where home is from the deep depths of hell in which I'm standing

With that being said, I look at my two co-idiots and they look as helpless and useless as I feel.  We need to figure out what the fuck we're going to do.....

I look at my watch. 

It's only 6:15 AM. 

I notice some immediate needs that must be met soon. 

**I have to pee

**I'm kinda hungry

**Where the fuck are we?

**I really need to pee

Manipulator says, "Let's start walking and try to find the front of this trailer park so we know what trailer park we're in and/or what road we're on.  Maybe we can just walk home" 

Well, okay genius.  When we were DRIVEN over here last night, it took about 25 minutes to get there so I doubt walking is going to be an option.

We walk to the front of the trailer park (I can't even remember the name of it now) and Manipulator exclaims, "I have a friend who lives in this trailer park!!  Let's go ask if we can use her phone!"  Perfect.  Crisis over, right? 

We walk to the friend's house and Manipulator decides since it's 6:30 AM she should just knock on this girl's bedroom window because she would be in her bed and her parents know this girls parents and she shouldn't just knock on the door and get us all into trouble.  She knocks about 15 times on the girl's window and finally she gets up and looks out.  She is clearly out of it and totally asleep.  Manipulator explains through the closed window that we are stranded, in trouble and need to please, please use her cordless phone.  The bitch says, "I'm sleeping! Go away!" and closes the blinds.  I'm standing there at this point in complete shock.  Oh, yeah, great friend you got there! 

I never reveal people's real names on my blog because I talk a whole lot of shit and I think that everyone deserves their privacy.  Well, guess what?  This bitch didn't deserve anything except a swift ass kicking.  Her name was APRIL. (And if I could remember her last name, I would post that too)  April, if you are reading this...you could have helped us.  We would have let you go right back to sleep, I promise.  Karma is a bitch.  Nuff said.


If I did have a gun (because tons of middle class white 13-14 year olds have them I'm sure right?) this is what she would have seen when she looked out the blinds.  I was soooooo pissed at her non-helping!!!

We give up and have no idea what else to do so we head for the main road. 

My nose is all runny because remember, I'm a little sick.  I'm guessing it's about 40 degrees outside at this point and my Charlotte Hornets Starter jacket just isn't cutting it. 

We get to the main road and decide to just start walking.  Eventually we would come to a gas station or possibly a pay phone.  After walking for about 10 minutes, we do come to a gas station.  We rush inside and not only is this a gas station but one full of truck drivers and pool tables.  Wonderful.  Just what we needed. 

We sit in a booth near the pool tables and see how much money we have between the 3 of us.  Nicey has nothing but a lighter and some pocket fuzz.  Manipulator has $3.  I have $28.  My Mom was a lot of things when I was younger but she always made sure I had pocket money when I left the house.  My other friends, on the other hand, never had any money. 

Manipulator goes to the counter, gets change for the pay phone and goes outside to call Aunt Netty.  She'll just come get us and all will be fine, right?  She calls and well, she's not home.  Or at least no one answers the phone.  Fuckity fuck fuck!!

I absolutely refuse to call my Mom.  We lived about 20 minutes from O'Burg and I was sure by looking around at the road signs that we were way over on the opposite side (Ghettoville/trailer trashville) and it would have taken her like 35 minutes to get to us.  PLUS, we weren't supposed to be in this situation and I knew my Step-Dad super ultra asshole would have flipped the fuck out, surely never letting me leave the house again, ever. 

Manipulator says there is no way in hell she's calling her Mom and getting Aunt Netty in trouble for taking us over there to begin with.  What?!  This is your fault to begin with bitch!  Maybe Aunt Netty needs to be in trouble!  She WAS the adult making the decisions at the time!

Nicey's folks couldn't have cared less about her and would never have come to get us and we already knew that. 

And here we are back at WTF do we do now? 

I go pee because I just can't hold it anymore.  I look at myself in the bathroom mirror and I'm like, how the fuck did I get myself into this mess????  I just want to go home. 

I come out of the bathroom and we decide we can't go anywhere until we get Aunt Netty on the phone.  We couldn't think of a single other "safe" person to call.  We were bound and determined to get out of this without getting into trouble. 

I just didn't want to get grounded or hear my middle name be called.  That always sucked and I had a teenage life to live damnit!

We take refuge in this gas station/pool hall for the entire day.  We call and call and call Aunt Netty and no answer.  We spent most of my $28 on food, drinks, pool and repeat phone calls.  We get heckled by quite a few gas station patrons and truck drivers.  We pay them no attention and even flip off a few, pressing our luck we're already fucked this bad, why not play Russian Roulette with strangers right?. 

I knew I had to be somewhere at some point or my Mom going to start calling Manipulator's Mom and that was going to cause quite a problem for us AND I was getting sicker.  I was starting to cough and I just knew I had something pretty gross going on with my nose and face. 

Somehow, out of the blue, I thought of one of my older friends that had her license and a car!  WOO HOO!  My genius just kicked in at that exact moment.  Her name was Blonde and she was my flute playing mentor from the band.  She was about 16 and she drove me all over the place for band.  We were pretty close and I knew she would drive that far to get me if I stressed that we were totally fucked with no other options.

I called Blonde and she answered right away!  Sweet Jesus, thank you for letting the girl be home!  I told her that I and two of my asshole friends were stranded in O'Burg and needed a ride home.  She didn't ask a single question and said she was on her way, do not move.  I was never so relieved in all of my life.  We might just get out of this unscathed well, mostly. 

We were standing outside in the freezing cold waiting on her when she got there.  We leaped into the car and after proper introductions were made, I told her the entire story which she thought was hilarious.  "You guys are stupid.  That's why you don't go to boy's houses at 11PM at night when you don't have permission and you don't know their parents."  Well, Blonde, lesson fucking learned!  Fo sho!

Blonde took us to Netty's house to get our stuff we left there and lo and behold, she still wasn't home.  We beat on the door and no one answered so what did we do?  Climbed through the damn window.  Oh yes, we did!  We got our shit and climbed right back out the window.  We left Aunt Netty a note so that she would know we were fine (like she gave a damn?!) and had Blonde deliver us to our houses. 

Once I got home, my Mom didn't even notice who brought me home and I wasn't going to tell her.  She asked me about my night and I said, "It was fun" and went into my room. 

You think the horror ends there??  I think not!

My Mom came in a little while later and said that I was supposed to be babysitting that night for her friend Lizzy and did I forget?  (I loved babysitting for Lizzy so I was super excited!  I still felt like shit but I didn't tell my Mom because she probably wouldn't have let me babysit.)  

We went to Lizzy's house (a trailer on a piece of land out in the middle of the woods in *BFE) and that's when I realized they weren't going anywhere.  They were having a party outside around a fire, shooting skeet and whatever.  Perfect.  They wouldn't be far or out late.  Lizzy's baby (who just turned 18 a few days ago...LOL) was probably about 3 or 4 months old.  I went into the kitchen, drank half a bottle of Robitussin (because that is what I would normally do at my house) and laid on the bed with the baby on my chest to pat his butt to sleep.  

Let's just say, I didn't use the little plastic measuring cup.

Well, apparently, I patted his butt and my butt right off to sleep.  I literally passed out.  It was nice and quiet and everyone was outside, across the yard at the outdoor party.  My Mom and Step-Dad were there along with Lizzy, her husband, their parents and all their friends.

The next thing I know, someone is ripping the baby from my arms (I babysat this baby pretty much from the time he was born until he was 2 so who the hell is taking him from me????) and shaking the shit out of me.  WTF?!?!?!

Apparently, I took too much Robitussin and hadn't slept enough at Crazy Chinese Lady's house the night before on top of being really sick and they had been beating on the door for around 20 minutes.  The door was locked because they lived in the middle of the woods in *BFE and I strongly believe in serial killers.  They had to break the window in the bedroom I was in and climb into it to wake me up.  I can't believe the sound of someone breaking into the house didn't even wake me up!  HOW UTTERLY EMBARRASSING!  Everyone was freaking out because since I was unresponsive, they thought I was laying there dead with the baby.

Party abruptly over! 

After that, my Mom took me home where I passed out into oblivion until late the next morning. 

I felt the need to give my Mom an explanation so that she wouldn't think I had been smoking crack the night before so I went into the kitchen and told her the entire story. 

She didn't punish me.  I guess that's because she was glad I was okay and not dead in some trailer park.  She sure didn't think it was funny either.  If I remember correctly, I ended up at the doctor with some nasty upper respiratory infection or something like that on Monday morning.  I don't know how my Mom didn't ground me but she didn't and to my knowledge she didn't tell my psycho Step-Dad either.  Thank you, thank you!!

If you thought that was interesting, let me know in the comments section below.  It was 100% true to the best of my memory and I have a ton of other crazy stories for later!!

Now that I've typed an entire book, here's to 100 more posts in the future!!

Apple

**BFE- Bum Fuck Egypt - just in case you have been living under a rock and didn't know what BFE was.