I'm tired of arguing with my husband. I know, I know....I say really good things about him most of the time. Those things are true. He is a whole lot of great things. He makes me really happy most of the time.
BUT...... (I'm sure you saw that word coming)
When we argue, we really fucking argue. I call it fighting. We don't hit each other. We never have and I know that Supa would never hit me but it's still fighting. Words are weapons. I believe that they do hurt and they do carry a whole lot of meaning. I know I can hurt him with my words and I will stoop to that level if he hurts me first. I'm nobody's verbal punching bag. But I also understand that two wrongs don't make a right. I've known that for a long time and I believe it. I just can't stop my mouth from flying open sometimes when I know that I should keep it shut. Sometimes he pisses me off so bad that I literally cannot shut up. Supa also does not know when to shut up and he says the meanest, dumbest shit that I KNOW he doesn't mean and he always ends up apologizing for later. What a waste of time! If you know you're going to say you're sorry about it later, why even say it?!
It really doesn't matter what we are arguing about. It could be something SO tiny to something rather serious. Most of the time it is tiny. In the past we have argued over some of the DUMBEST shit ever! But regardless of the reason, we still get into a huge fight. Totally blown out of preportion. Something that could have been resolved so quickly and easily could potentially turn into a huge, knock down, drag out, verbal brawl. This brawl could last for days. A stand off of wills and pride. Who will break first? Well, usually he always breaks first but that doesn't mean that I'm always right because I'm not always right and I know it! Yep, I don't mind admitting it. Who is right or wrong is not the issue, it's how we handle disagreeing that is the issue.
If it was just Supa and I, I wouldn't give a damn. I would tell him to shut his damn mouth, fuck off, get over it and we'd calm down and be fine. But it's not just us. I have Dazzle and Neon to worry about and let me tell you, there is nothing on this planet more important to me than my children. I would die for them in a heartbeat. Like, throw myself in front of a moving truck, make deals with the devil, jump in front of a bullet kind of love. WITHOUT HESITATION WHAT SO EVER. Therefore, since I KNOW this arguing shit is effecting them, I can't take it any longer. NO matter what they tell me (because I know they just want me and everyone else to be happy) I can see the sadness, frustration, worry, pain and suffering in their eyes. They are always happy, until we argue and fight. They are the best kids on the planet and they deserve better than us.
**PAUSE***********************************************************
I'm not usually an emotional person but fuck this is hard to say
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Now, on the other hand....I love Supa so much that he could say just about anything and I would not leave him. I can give you a list of deal breakers that will end up in divorce but yelling at me and being an asshole while arguing isn't on that list. I took my wedding vows before God and I believe in them. I take them very seriously. My plan is to be married once to my soulmate. I found my soulmate, now I just need to figure out how to keep it together.
I can be a complete bitch and I'm not exactly easy to handle. I get that. I know how I am and by now Supa should too. But I try. I really do. I know I'm controlling but I do it out of the kindness of my heart. I only want what is best for us. I do the things I do out of love, not evil. Maybe he thinks I care too much but damn, if you don't care, who is going to? I have had plenty of "friends" that say they love and care about us but they really didn't. So, I don't trust anyone and I try my best to do everything for us myself. I understand that I'm overbearing sometimes too but wouldn't he hate it if I didn't give a damn at all? I think sometimes I overhandle stuff. I don't know how to turn that off. I just do what I think I need to do and I do it happily for the most part. Overall, I think it's basically my mouth (and his too!) that gets us into trouble.
I have asked Dazzle and Neon (they are not babies anymore, even though I often wish they were) what they would rather have:
MARRIED: together as a family with arguing and fighting OR
DIVORCED: still spending time with each parent, minus the arguing and fighting
They both said, MARRIED. They both said they don't care how much arguing and fighting they have to listen to and put up with, as long as we stay together, as a family and don't have to deal with divorce, they don't care. The good outweighs the bad for them.
That doesn't exactly sit well with me. They shouldn't have to just settle for what they can get. They should have HAPPY, fun, comfortable and confident in our home with us! ALL THE TIME! Or most of the time at least. They are too awesome to be dealing with our bullshit!
I'm not asking for perfection. Truely, I'm not. I am the farthest thing you will ever get from perfect but damn.....Something has got to give. I want to be happy! MOST of the time. Like I said before, everything in my life is pretty perfect right now. Aside from being very far away from my family, I'm ok. I want to protect my children from everything, even from us and that is the hardest thing yet. I don't want any of our negative, adult bullshit to affect them in a bad way.
I usually only write posts that are funny or just blah blah about what is going on lately. I don't usually write about the bad stuff in life because who wants to hear about that right?? I did decide that I should share the bad stuff along with the good stuff because I'm no angel. Bad things happen to good people all the time. I think that the more we talk about it, the better we will feel and we can help other people. SO, hopefully, someone that feels exactly the same way I do, in the exact same situation, will read this and know that they are not alone and everyone has issues. I have a hard time believing sometimes that we are not alone. That we are not the only ones that fight and argue. Sometimes I feel very alone and it makes me very sad so.....hopefully, this will help me and others too.
I called our insurance company at work today to find out if marriage counseling was covered under our insurance plan, and it is. I am working on finding a shrink for us to go see today and making an appointment this week. Life is too short to argue about BULLSHIT.
(Thank you, Red, for talking to me about things that I don't want to talk about and helping me decide what to do about it. Thank you for also letting me know that this is nothing to be embarrassed or nervous about and for reminding me that I'm not the only person that needs marriage counseling. AND that if a whole bunch of other people would seek out help, they would be a whole lot happier. I wouldn't have even started researching it if it wasn't for you and your gentle push)
On a closing note:
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| Supa, this one is for you! (Thank you Uncle Darling!) |
Apple
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