Sometimes, Uncles Are Better!!

You know, I never met my birth father.  This is a super long life story that I'll save to tell some other time, in parts.  BUT, in my case, I wasn't one of those kids that grew up with a huge "hole" in my heart.  I had so many people that loved me so much fill that potential hole that the hole didn't even have a chance to form!  My family members opened a whole case of whoop ass on that hole!!  God, I love them for it.  It made me the strong person that I am today.

My Grampa is just like my Dad.  I sure do think of him as my Dad.  But, I'm getting off subject here....This post isn't about Grampa Darling....It's about UNCLE DARLING!  Yep, I've talked about him before but not at great length.....Well, this isn't going to be too long but let me just say:

He is the third child from my Grandparents four children and he lived with us when I was a kid. (until he went off, fell in love and got married! - boo hiss!!  jk!)  He was kind of like a much older, oh boy, he's going to beat me brother to me.  I want to say he was like a father to me but nah, he was too busy playing around with me, spoiling me rotten and getting me into trouble!  So, in that case, more like a big brother. 

I have a whole bunch of happy childhood memories that include him.  He took me shopping, to the park, definitely had a huge hand in teaching me to have a great love for music, took me to Donut Land (which I totally believed that we were going to a real "land" that was made of Donuts....Wow, what an imagination I had!), to K-Mart where he OWNED worked in the electronics department, and anywhere else he could smuggle me to.  I loved hanging out with him!  At Christmas time, he always could get the newest toys that I really wanted and he made me feel really important. 

LONG story short...I love this guy!  He's not really big on affection...In fact, I think he hates it.  But he wasn't always like that...I remember him hugging and kissing me all the time!  Since, I have no idea what made him the way that he is, I don't judge him.  I just know he loves me!  I could go on and on about him...But I'm going to stop here.  I have been wanting to blog about my whole childhood and teenager life but I haven't been ready to go that deep yet...This is just the very tip of the iceberg.  SO, stay tuned.  When I run out of smart ass things to say (as I did yesterday) things will get a little more serious.  BUT FOR NOW:

Let us pay tribute to my very funny (ungay) uncle.....Uncle Darling, you kick ass!!  You send me ideas that end up sparking other ideas and you have almost the same sense of humor that I do.  (Wait, I thought you people told me I was adopted???  Har har, as if you guys could ever deny this face!!) 

Here are a few new things from Uncle Darling that I have just been itching like crazy to share:

Okay, so apparently Uncle Darling googled "Belly Button Fuzz" (because that is something I google all the time for fun!!) and this is what he got:

IF you google that...You will get:  Bear Belly Vortex.

OMFG!  That is NOT what I was expecting!  HOLY HAIRY, BATMAN!!!  Can I make just one suggestion??!!  WAX PEOPLE!  WAX!  It only hurts for a second...Well, in this case, maybe it will hurt for a few fucking hours! 

Moving right along from that.....

Just letting you know before you come on in and step in it and then you want to kick my ass.....Just sayin'.

This seems like it could be a tribute to my diarrhea shitter named Odie that totally defaced my carpet a few weeks ago. (see past blog entry for that lovely story!)  Unfortunately, this photo came to me AFTER that shitty post. 

PS:  Uncle Darling has 9 dogs at the moment that he fosters SO, he's big on the dog shit jokes ;)



Okay, I've seen this one before but I still had to include it.  Let's spend a moment dissecting this:

First of all, for all you out there that doesn't have on their smart cap today...This is a possum.  DUH!?  I do think that some idiot really thought it was a cat and they were trying to do their good deed for the day by putting up posters. BUT, let's face it, some people are just not as smart as others.  It is what it is. 

Secondly, is it a Fe or a Male?  OH OH, I understand, it's a Fe-male!  OH!  Now that we've cleared that one up. 

Fuck.  For all that is holy.  Someone e-du-micate this person!

Scared??  You think the little kitty is scared?  Well, YOU should be scared if that damn, ugly thing is in your house.  Talk about shitting in the hallway, I'm sure now, you have cat possum shit everywhere!!

I could go on and on about this one but I'll just move on now....


Really?  Just because I didn't give birth to you doesn't mean a damn thing. 

I will still knock your cute, fuzzy, adopted ass off of that table!  YOU STUCK UP CAT!  You mess with me and I'll start calling you a possum!  (Haha!!  Love it, Uncle Darling!!)



This one isn't supposed to be funny.....I still had to post it. 

When Supa and I first started dating and we talked on the phone often, he would always make me hang up first.  :)  This sweet puppy reminded me of that and I love it!  Remember, I love you more so YOU hang up first!  Heehee!  


YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW!!!  THESE REALLY EXIST!?!

This is ALL that is needed for this one:  Uncle Darling, where did YOU get these sheets??  I just know you have them!!  I know as soon as Supa sets his eyes on them, he'll have them on his Christmas wish list and I highly doubt Santa will hand deliver these bad boys!



And this is why Uncle Darling cannot be trusted around Dazzle or Neon for too long of a time period.  He SUGGESTS things like this.  In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he designed this one himself!

I even know some grown people that take this rule and abuse the hell out of it.  Piss me off and see how much fun you have.  Grrr!!  I'm not very fun when I get pissed off. 

And the latest one that I received today was.........

YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE RIGHT, UNCLE DARLING!!

I know quite a few retards and they do not have any type of mental disability either so what the fuck is their excuse?!  Cute little retarded owls....  tee hee!

Basically, that is all folks!  Once again, all of those ideas were sent to me by Uncle Darling. I give credit where credit is due and deserved.  

Uncle Darling, I just want to thank you again for sending them to me and for being a dedicated reader to this bullshit I write.....That's one of the reasons I write it!   I'm sure that you can't believe that I used them all up on one post.  Ha!  Believe it!   They all kind of went together for me like peanut butter and jelly.  I'm also sure that you will be sending me many more suggestions and funnies in the future.  At least, I hope you continue to do so.

Lastly, I LOVE YOU Uncle Darling and.....

XXXOOOXXXOOOXXXOOOXXXOOO, if you like it or not!

Love,

Apple