I Refuse To Kill Myself Anymore

Today is a day of seriousness.  It is also the first day of the rest of my life.  Seriously.  

Jasper/Jackson, since I cannot reveal my identity, I am borrowing your serious face.  Thank you.

Today is the last day I will ever smoke a cigarette for the rest of my life.  Yep.  I said it and I ain't even playin!  I have been smoking since I was 15 and I have had enough. 

The first cigarette I ever smoked was one of my step dad's cigarettes.  I will never forget that day.  It was a Kool and it was GROSS.  I was at home alone and I was bored.  I missed my Mom and my family and I was so sick of staying at home (a home I hated) by myself.  I felt so alone and hated my life.  So, I decided to find something to do with my time by trying one of his cigarettes.  Let me tell you....I fell down flat on my back in the middle of our back yard coughing and hacking with tears streaming out of my eyes.  I wish my Mom had been there to help me because I thought I was dying.  After that first time, it took me awhile but I eventually tried again, and again, and again until I got good at it and could even inhale without coughing.  What a loser.  What was I thinking?!  I knew smoking was bad for you but I was just determined to do something, anything that would make me forget the hell I was going through at home. 

I really didn't care about myself at this point so it didn't matter that I knew that cigs were bad.  I just didn't give a fuck.

I started smoking not too long after the first few experimental times.  The more I searched, the more people my age I found that smoked.  I made those people my friends through smoking cigarettes.  We bonded instantly.  I also hung out with a lot of people who were older than me and were experienced in smoking (I had to have someone to buy my cigarettes for me since I was underage).  Eventually, I told my Mom that I smoked and she said she already knew that.  She could smell it on me since she never smoked.  Not too long after that, she started buying cigarettes for me.  I could bully her into doing anything, probably because of her absentee parenting and her guilt because she knew she was doing me wrong.  (That's a whole other story that I refuse to delve into today)

I've been smoking ever since.  I've been smoking a pack a day since I was probably 16 or 17.  I turned 30 this past March and I've been lying to myself for a long time.  If millions of other people smoke, I can too.  I won't die of lung cancer.  WRONG.  I mean, Jesus Christ, Grampa Darling has emphysema and that's still not enough to convince me.  (PS, he smoked a LONG time ago but hasn't smoked for many many many years which tells me that you're never safe)  I have also been lying to my Gynecologist who told me that if I was still smoking when I turned 30 she would no longer prescribe me birth control pills because it raised my chances of having a stroke.  So, once a year when I go to see her and get my pills, I become a non-smoker (for about 2 hours and before I even leave the parking lot, I am lighting up again).  Pathetic.  

Add birth control pills.  Your chances go WAY up.  What an idiot!!!

And, instead of just stopping smoking, I have been trying to convince Supa to get a Vasectomy so that we could NOT get pregnant and I could keep right on smoking!  WHAT THE FUCK!?!  I can still have stroke just from smoking alone.  What was I thinking??!!



I have been looking for these signs in myself because I know I have been killing myself for 15 years straight.

I don't really know what has gotten into me lately.  I have been constantly thinking about the fact that I'm going to get lung cancer.  I just know I am!  I'm going to die an early and unthinkable death because I smoke.  I can't stop these awful thoughts from bothering me every single day (lately).  I have smoked for many years without giving a damn what-so-ever if I die of smoking or not.  Where are all these concerns suddenly coming from?  Who knows?!  

Probably from this little guy right here.  I always knew better, I just chose to say Fuck it.  I don't care right now.  When I have lung cancer I'll deal with it then.  WTF?!  That will be too late, Apple!!

Regardless of where these thoughts are coming from, I think that it's about time to start really taking care of myself because I want to live till I'm 90.  I want to be able to enjoy my life without being a SLAVE to cigarettes.  I am sick and tired of spending my hard earned money on poisoning myself.  WTF. 

So, yesterday I was once again trying to convince myself that smoking was OK fucking mother fucking really?! so I was looking up celebrities that smoke (because if they fucking smoke, then it's OK for me to smoke, right?).  One of the celebrities on the list was Ellen DeGeneres but the website said that she quit smoking by reading a book.  WTF, what book?!  I want the damn book!  So,  I looked it up online and since I wasn't willing to pay $20.00 for said book, I just found a free PDF and downloaded it.  BEST THING I'VE EVER DONE.


She sure doesn't look like she used to smoke.  I looked all over the Internet for a picture of her smoking but I couldn't find one.  Excellent! 

I read the whole book (all 111 pages, LOL) yesterday and today and I'm done.  It was the best thing I have ever read.  It gives a completely different outlook on smoking and basically lets you know that in order to quit, you need to stop being brainwashed into thinking what society has always taught us to think about smoking.  It's all bullshit.  I'm not giving up anything by quitting smoking.  I'm gaining my whole life back by quitting.  I used to think, "OMG, I'm doomed.  I have to give up something I love."  OMG, really?!  I hate smoking!  HATE IT!  I have to smoke because I am addicted to the drug that is nicotine.  I'm sick of being a drug addict and it's time to reclaim my life and stop being a slave!  I'm burning my money up!  Literally!!  

There's my money.  In one nice pile for your viewing pleasure.  What a fucking waste of time and money!!

I vow, right here, right now.  I will never smoke another cigarette for the rest of my life.  I will not pollute my body (the only body I get mind you) and be dependent on drugs ever again.  Tonight, right before Supa and I go to bed, we are smoking our last cigarette together and trashing the ones we have left.  I am so excited to start my new life!!  Every time my body feels the need to have nicotine, I am going to rejoice that I am not giving in to the urge and I am now a NON-smoker. 

If anyone wants the PDF of the book (Allen Carr's Easy Way to Quit Smoking) just let me know and I'll shoot you an email with the book attached.  It did wonders for me.  

Happy Friday To Me!

I'm really excited that today is Friday.  I made it through another week.  

I like him.  He looks super friendly with his big, sexy smile.

I'm ready to blow through this workday as fast as a prostitute gets paid and move on to my weekend!  Supa's party is going to be a blast and I have some last minute things to get done before tomorrow.  I'm going to have to ask Red Lady where the nearest liquor store is I try not to go to the liquor store on my lunch break very often.

Last night one of my very good friends, outside of the coven, Nearly Perfect (Red Lady came up with this name and we had A LOT of fun thinking about it.  You should have heard some of the alternatives...Sorry, I just can't post them...They are B.A.D. in a really funny way)(Thanks for your help RED!!) came over and we sat outside forever talking.   She moved closer to the house so hopefully we will be seeing her much more often.  I love spending time with her and she loves the kids to death...(of course they love her too). 

** BIG BROTHER SPOILER ALERT **

After Nearly left, I watched Big Brother (Supa was at work) and I actually cried.  Jeff got voted off and Jordan was crying and so was I!  Like a big baby!  It was just a shock and when the person leaves that you wanted to win...well, it's upsetting.  It's like when your favorite football team loses the Superbowl.  I'm sure men actually cry over that kind of shit.  Well, this is the kind of shit that I cry over.  FUCK Kalia and Porshe.  They are going to burn in hell for that!


I'm glad I was home alone because after Supa hugged me, he would have laughed his ass off.  Was I really crying over Jeff on BB?  Yes, Yes, I was. 

After my miserable, hysterical crying jag show was over I waited up for Supa and then I ended up sitting outside on the deck with him way past my bedtime.  SO, today I am sleepy, slightly cranky and droopy eyed.  I hope I don't look how I feel.  The first time I woke up this morning it was because Supa's alarm went off (today is his day off and he takes the kids to school when he is off so I can sleep in) and he didn't want to get up so he pushed the snooze and then every time it went off, it woke me up.  I finally pushed him out of the bed and then the next thing that woke me up was Copper Darling bursting through the bedroom door to come leap on the bed and lick me to death.  Dazzle came and rescued me by taking Copper away but I was awake by then.  Next thing that woke me was Neon coming to kiss and hug me goodbye since he was walking out the door with Supa.  About 15 minutes after that (right after I fell asleep again for like the 6th time) my alarm went off and I had to give up and get up.  So much for "sleeping in", huh?  FML.

Do not play with me.  I will sleep in your shoe.  Easily.

Supa is off this morning to take his manager picture for his new position at Pub-Dizzle.  He's so cute with his shirt, tie and suit jacket on!  Then he has to go talk to his new store and department manager, back home to cut the grass (can't have drunk people stumbling around in my yard without cutting the grass first) and wait for the TV people to come and bring us our damn TV back.  Something weird happened with the TV a while ago (think like at least a month) when we had a bad storm and since we're still paying on the fucking thing, they came and got it and took it away to fix it.  They brought us a little loaner TV, about 14 inches smaller than our TV how the fuck am I supposed to watch a smaller TV? and they've had ours forever!!  So, today is the day my baby comes home and I can't wait!!!!

This is me.  Every night.  Just with a much bigger screen.

After I get off of work today, I'm going home, eating dinner and then waiting on Lolly and Jade to come over so we can all go walking at the track.  Supa is even going!  He's been super supportive of the whole exercise and being healthy routine.  I mean, he'll cook anything I ask him to cook and totally be happy with the switch from beef to turkey and everything but he's never walked with me before.  This will be the third time he's went this week!  He usually walks behind me which makes me feel amazing because I know the view of my ass from back there is fucking off the chain! he's back there to catch me if I fall (or faint from heat exhaustion).  He's just really great at letting me know that he's proud of me and how good I'm doing.  I'm not sure how I got so lucky sometimes.  I can already tell you that I don't feel like going and sweating my fucking ass off but I will do it.  Oh, yes, I will.  I have committed myself and I'm not going to quit or slack off.  I have to look good in my jeans damnit!  Heehee!

I hope my sweat shows up this happy today. 

I guess I'm done spouting off random bullshit for the day.  I'm still sleepy but I know some good TV will wake me right up!  I promise to bring a full party report on Monday.  That should be interesting.  ;)

Youtube, I Love You.

Since I'm bored right now and I have 2 1/2 hours left to sit here at work, I'm going to post some of my absolutely favorite youtube videos for your personal enjoyment.  The girls are probably going to kill me because they've seen just about every single one of these, some of them we've discovered together or at least watched together but...It's my blog!  So, I will post what the fuck I want to.  :)  Yep, I'm feeling rosy today!  HA!

Sweet Video #1:  James Morrison singing "You Give Me Something".  Kitti and Jade are probably going to throw up in their mouths when they see this because I've shoved this one particular video down their throats one too many times.  I'm just obsessed with this one.  I've probably watched it 500 times at least (seriously).  The damn man give me the chills with how much emotion he sings with.  I swear, this one performance touches my soul.  Enjoy.

You liked it didn't you?  Teehee!!

Sweet Video #2:  Welcome to Canada!!

My silly husband Supa showed us this one and it kills me every single time I see it!  There is a dam(n) beaver (ha!  Pun intended) in the highway and it talks!!  Well, you'll see.  Fucking hilarious.  PS, the beaver does not get hit by a car and is not injured in the making of this video.  Happy now animal lovers? 

I now like beaver.  No, not the kind that you're thinking.  Dirty minded mother fuckers!

Sweet Video #3:  The Forbidden Mastercard Commercial   I love the "priceless" commercials.  This one is probably my favorite one.  The quality is really crappy but you get the point.  LOVE IT!

Sweet Video #4:  Computer Scare Prank  This one is pretty genius.  The dude really flipped out and I think this one deserves to be in my list.  Not the usual scary thing popping out of the screen...and you have warning because they explain the prank before it happens.  Turn your volume down some though or you'll probably still get freaked out.  LOL, I did.

HAHAHA!  I had to watch that twice!!  I love how he looks around like he just got shot at and he opened the window right before he got owned!  HA!  Freaking awesome!

Sweet Video #5:  Plants That Go Bad   I like this one.  It's just photos set to music but they are pretty funny.

I hope you enjoyed these videos!!  More to come in the future!  Happy youtubing!

Sometimes TV Rocks My World

I was trying to decide what to blog about today since there is nothing going on around here lately.  (And whatever is going on has already been blogged about)  I told Kitti my muse was on vacation stupid bastard and I needed an idea.  She suggested that I do a blog about all the reality TV shows that I watch and I was already thinking about that!!  So, I must, I must write about my shows....It's fate really.  

Thank you Kitti for all your suggestions and help!  Here is Kitti, looking all thoughtful and sweet! 

*****************************************************
**SPOILER ALERT, If you don't want to know what is going on with your favorite reality TV show, do not read this...I'm not holding back any deets for slackers who haven't caught up with their DVR's yet.  Sorry bitches!**
****************************************************************************
I watch Big Brother every summer.  For those of you that haven't watched it, you have no idea what you're missing!  It is more than just drama and chaos.  I mean, there is always that too the part that  I think I might like the best but there is a whole lot of strategery (Yeah, I know I spelled strategy wrong...Inside coven joke, say it out loud, it sounds funny and we love it) that is involved with this show.  

The cameras and producers are watching and so are we...but who the hell is this freak face?  How did he end up on the poster??

Most of the coven watch BB...Everyone except Lolly.  I can't get her on the BB train yet but you never know....We are all on Team Jeff and Jordan.  They are past players that met in the BB house and fell in love and we in turn fell in love with them.  They are so sweet and they play the game as honestly as they can. 

We love you Jeff and Jordan!!!

Danielle needs to go home!  She's no good without Evil Dick by her side and since she's sitting on the block this week (GO JEFF!) hopefully this will be the last week we have to put up with her.  She's so annoying!!  Rachael still holds the title for most annoying but Danielle is in close second.  

You're just pissed off because you're a DUMB ASS and you can't do anything right without your Dad!  Bye Bye Danni!!



And Danielle's Dad, Evil Dick, who was on the show on a past season and WON but had to leave early this season for personal reasons...WTF happened to you Dick??!!



Yeah, Rachael, you're a mess but you are not hot.  Especially when you open your mouth and talk...GOLLY, will you please just STFU!!!

Anyhow, watch it.  You won't regret it.  I think I might cry when the season is over.  A year is a long time to wait for your favorite show!  (Ace, don't cry anymore...True Blood Season 4 will be out on DVD before we know it!)

How about some Bachelor Pad??!!  I must admit, I am a Bacheloraholic!  I watch every season of Bachelor and Bachelorette and I love it.  I understand that the producers set up the dates and pick all the beautiful locations but I do believe that these people fall in love.  I've seen seasons that made my heart melt and I'll continue to watch them until my DVR explodes. 


I also like it because they bring back all the past Bachelors and Bachelorettes that didn't win the husband/wife they wanted so you get to know these people (as much as you can watching TV, God, I sound like such a loser!) and you end up siding with SOMEONE that you like.  It's kind of like men with football, you want your team to win! 

Vienna Sausage, you and Kasey need to hit the fucking road.  I am so sick of you bad mouthing Jake because you are a money grubbing, fame whore and you needed to put the negative attention on someone else.  You will burn in hell for that.  I can't believe that they ended the last episode on that fucking note where you have no idea what happened??!!  I hate that!!

The worst picture I could find of her.
Webster's Dictionary Entry:  Lying, Fake, Cock-sucking Whore - Vienna
And what is up with the X's on the douche bags hands that is sitting beside you?  Underage much?

I really want Holly and Michael to get back together.  They are too cute and you can tell he really loves her.  I mean, he cries every single time he speaks to her!  Give him a chance, Holly!

I don't think I've seen a sweeter couple..except for Supa and I.  We definitely have them beat but I think they should get back together.  They look so happy!  Go Holly and Michael!!

I personally love Graham.  I know he is a total commitment phobe but since Supa already took me off the market....I don't care.  I still like him.  Michelle, back up off it.  You are crazy and we all know it.  Jake's season made you look like a loon and I don't think you've changed one bit!

Hello Graham!  I think you're awesome and when you find the right woman, marry her!  Don't be scared!

Okay, now moving on......

The new season of Survivor is about to start in September and I'm so ready!!!  My Aunt Darling and Grampa Darling are very much die hard fans.  They probably have every buff from every season ever and I love it!  If buffs make you happy, wear them!

This is one reality show I have to watch with Supa.  He loves it!

I'm not sure where they are going this time but Jade told me today that Ozzie and Coach will be back from past seasons.  I loved Ozzie and he can really win those challenges so it's good to be on his side...but Coach???  OMG, worse than Russell....Okay, I won't go that far but still, he SUCKS.  I can't stand to look at his face, much less listen to the BULLSHIT that comes out of his mouth!  Take a hike before you even get there Coach!

Either way, I'm expecting another really great season and nope, I'm not sick of it yet.  Maybe by the time they get on Season 595, I'll stop watching.  Maybe

That's all for now folks!  Must.  Watch.  TV.  ;)

Fun Weekend Ahead!

What a boring day at work.  Nothing exciting going on what-so-ever.  I'm just sitting here, listening to Pandora and wishing it was Friday at 5:23 so I can go home and start the weekend.  Unfortunately, it's not going by near fast enough. 

This is about how fast time is passing.  In other words, it's not.

So, this weekend is my sweet, adorable, happy, supportive, kind husbands birthday!!!  Yep, I said all that sweet stuff about him because he's behaving lately he's such a good boy!!  Supa will be 35 a week from today and he just was promoted at his grind!!!  The Pubdizzle is finally giving him the props that he deserves!!!  And, he's getting OLD!  On both accounts, that calls for a P.A.R.T.Y!!!!


Well, I guess he's not THIS old.  I think I can pull off a party at least in color. 

I'm planning a private (cause our parties are always private, lol) party.  Smallish...well, 10 or 11 people and it's going to be a blast!  I'm making food as usual.  Pickle things - think a baby dill pickle wrapped in ham with cream cheese in the middle holy yum!.  Ringtomditty - one of Grama Darling's recipes, it's a cheese fondue and that's what he requested so he shall get it!  The usual chips with ranch dip and all kinds of dunky things for the fondue and the dip.  I'm also making him another one of Grama Darling's recipes....chocolate fudge pudding cake. 

Hang on...I must take a moment to go get my bucket because I just started dripping on the floor. OK, all better now.  Yep, it's that good.  

For those of you who have no idea what I mean....When I tell you I need to go grab my bucket because I'm dripping...well that means woman juice is dripping.  This is about how many buckets I would need if RPatz showed up at my doorstep.  Just saying.  I warned about Twilight references did I not?

Since I can't write on the cake of his choice...I'm making him a sign and everyone that attends the party can write something on it before they leave and hopefully before they get too drunk.  I have a lot to do before Saturday but it will be so worth it.  I just want him to have an awesome 35th birthday!!!  

Everyone that knows me will tell you that THIS is my little secret.  SHHHHH!  LOL

I also have to take Puppy Darling to the vet on Saturday morning super fucking way too early to be awake on my day off to get his balls chopped off.  THANK GOD.  I wanted a girl puppy to begin with and yes, he stole my heart as soon as I saw him but damn.  I don't like puppy balls or penis' or any of the above.  When we get him fixed will he stop humping everything like he's lost his mind or will that not even help?!  I'm so tired of rescuing my blankets and the kids stuffed animals from his grasp.  I have never seen him move that fast until he starts thrusting those hips!  Jesus boy!  CALM IT DOWN!!  There are children present.  

I swear, if there was a pig available for humping, Puppy Darling would OWN the fucking pig.

Ta-Ta for now!  I have blankets to rescue and a party to plan!! 

These are.....Animals??

For some reason, I'll feeling very bloggy today.  I decided that if I want to post twice in one day, then I will post twice in one fucking day.  Who wants to tell me that I can't?!  ANYHOW......This blog post is going to be devoted entirely to animals that some people have never heard of and I think are cool.  I've also had a few suggestions for this post so....let's get right to it. 

You've got your regular old "run of the mill" type animals:


That's a nice looking dog until he eats your couch and shits all over your floor

A sweet little cat type animal: 


Yeah, it's cute now until it pisses in your bed and pukes on your pillow

And more of a zoo animal, the polar bear:

I love you, polar bear...you're so cute...until he decides to rip your fucking face off because you know he can!

But this is Apple talking here...this post is not about these nice, sweet animals.  Nope.  It sure isn't.  It's about freaky animals that we never get to see.  I hope you're ready!


FREAKY ANIMAL SPECIMEN #1:  Please say hello to the SLOW LORIS!! 

One of the cutest weird animals I have ever seen.  Kitti showed us this a while back and I have to post a video so you can see it move.  Sweetest strange thing ever!!

And maybe just one more cute video to make sure that you want to run out and buy one.....heehee

I love you slow loris and one day I will convince Supa that we must have one of your kind!  If you're interested in what a slow loris really is or how you can own one, Google it.  I don't have time to write the blog and do the fucking research!

FREAKY ANIMAL SPECIMEN #2:
The scariest shit I have ever seen the CAMEL SPIDER:


Holy hide me.  I am very very afraid!!

Here's one more picture so you can see how big it is....


Personally, I like my spiders to be a lot smaller than my cigarette pack.  HOLY SHIT PEOPLE!

Here's what I know about it:  If you see it, fucking run.  If you get the chance before you leave running like your junk is in danger  light it on fire.  If you get bit by it....Call your Mom and tell her that you loved her and she did a great job raising you cause you are probably gonna die.  FML, I hope I go my entire life without ever seeing one of these in person.

NEXT ANIMAL PLEASE!


FREAKY ANIMAL SPECIMEN #3:
One of Ace's favorite animals (also suggested by Kitti): The Okapi:

What is this?  How the fuck am I supposed to know??

It looks like a horse....Mixed with a zebra...mixed with a tiny shrunken head.  And also kinda mixed with a giraffe!  WEIRD!  But also very soft and cute looking. 
Let's see if I can find a video of this one......

Okay, here is a video of a baby one.  Holy crap it's cute!!

I'm still not sure exactly what it is but I like it.

FREAKY ANIMAL SPECIMEN #4: 

Like #2, this one is pretty scary. (Thanks again for the suggestions Kitti!)   Meet the AYE AYE:

FML!  I don't know what this one is either but I guarantee it is a real animal and it looks like it belongs in the "monster" family.  I mean, this is just creepy!!  Imagine getting up in the middle of the night to get a drink of water from the bathroom and this is what you find.  CALL 911!  SCREAM!  The neighbors will not help you and if you have a husband/wife or a roommate they won't help you either!  They will run you the fuck over to get away!!  I promise!  I would!  HA!

Just in case you weren't freaked out enough here is another photo...and you mean to tell me someone held this thing for the picture?  OH MY GEESH!



This video is pretty cool.  It doesn't look any cuter but at least it's a peek into what it really is. 

FREAKY ANIMAL SPECIMEN #5:

Kitti was on a roll today...this is her new favorite animal right now: 

Hello Mr. Emperor Tamarin:

Awwww!  Look at that cute face!!  It's like monkey meets moustache!  This guy I like. 



The baby even has a baby moustache!!

Then he opens his mouth and you're like "Where did Mr. Cute moustache go??"


I swear, I will never make fun of your moustache again!  Promise!!

AND last but never least:

FREAKY ANIMAL SPECIMEN #6:

Kitti suggested this one too...What can I say, her suggestions ROCK and she's really great at finding the freaky shit, hence my last post...internet ninja....The Naked Mole Rat:



It almost looks like a penis with legs and eye balls!!!  ALMOST.

Just one more thing I would prefer to never see in person.  Really?!  I mean, normal rats are bad enough..now we have naked penis mole rats?!


HI, my name is Marvin and I love fat chicks in spandex.  The more camel toe the better! 

Marvin you can kiss my ass!  I don't want anything that you have to offer! 

Well, that's all folks!  I hope you enjoyed this post as much as I enjoyed making it.  I'd like to give a very special shout out to Kitti for all her help and suggestions.  Also, thanks to all my friends who love weird animals!!  XOOX

SPECIAL EDITION: INTERNET NINJA MEETS PAUSE NINJA

Kitti is our resident Internet Ninja.  I'm sure you want to know what the hell that is....

INTERNET NINJA:
Definition:  A person who can find anything on the internet, on command, usually in around 20 seconds or less.

Kitti, this could be one of your family members....

Kitti has been our hard working ninja for quite some time now.  She never fails us.  She can find anything on any device that has the internet.  You wanna know what that funny video was that you watched the other day and you can't remember what you typed into Youtube...just look at Kitti and think about the video for a second and she will find it for you.  AMAZING!  Can't remember what that song was called that you heard 5 seconds of on the radio and decided you HAD TO HAVE IT, just hum for Kitti and you'll have the name of the song and artist usually immediately cause she's really good at music too so she might actually know off the top of her head without even using her ninja skills. 


It's about this fucking amazing...I kid you not!  You should see this crazy bitch in action!

Awhile back we realized that Ace has supernatural powers also.  She is our resident Pause Ninja.

PAUSE NINJA:

Definition:  A person that can pause the TV at such a time where the subject on the TV looks crazy, ridiculous, hilarious or for other humorous purpose.  The person must then capture the picture by camera or camera phone and forward on to others.

Not the same type of ninja but just as worthy and really really cute I must add!  

Ace has been capturing priceless Pause Ninja photos for some time now.  We have had them forwarded to our cell phones, email inboxes and just shown in person and we can't get enough of them!!  She has some kind of insane, psychotic ability to fuck that TV right in the ass and make whoever is on it look like a complete idiot or look absolutely amazing.  Just depends on her mood I guess.  The funny part is, she doesn't even TRY!  She just pauses for normal human pause reasons.....

The "I need a snack" pause totally could have resulted in this:



HOLY FUCK!!!  WHERE DID ALL THE WRINKLES COME FROM ON THAT FACE?!  If he's not careful, his eyebrows are going to fly right off that forehead!

 Or how about the "I need to pee" pause:


OMG, either he smelled something extremely stank at that exact moment or....WTF.

 Or even the "Time to smoke a cigarette" pause:


Hold the damn phone, IS HE FLYING???!!!  How did she do that?!  Where are his legs????!!!!

SO, I decided to try to get in on the fun.  If she can do it, I can do it too right?!  Well, we'll see what you think...

Here is my best impression of our Pause Ninja:  (Please keep in mind, I am not the ninja that Ace is by any means)

The "I'm at work and the phone is ringing" pause:


You want me to stick something in that pie hole or is that just for our viewing pleasure?

The "Yep, I'm still at work and actually have to pause my show to do some actual work" pause:


The whole idea that this picture represents makes me so happy.  There are no words.  I can't even explain this one.

The "I'm not the Pause Ninja of the group so I have to practice at random" pause results in this:


If this chick is really beautiful when the show is playing, how did she end up looking like a fucking monkey when it got paused?  I just don't understand.

Or how about the "The crack of my ass itches so I need a pause for that" pause:


STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT WITH YOUR SCARY HUGE EYES!!!  Everyone has to scratch the crack of their ass from time to time!  EVERYONE!

And last but not least the "Can I get one more snack" pause:


I can't even remember what I was watching when I paused this.  Who the hell is this bitch?  Nice face, lady.

I know that Ace will appreciate my efforts.  Even if I'm never going to be the "natural" Ninja that she is.  I hope that the Pause Ninja lives on for a very long time cause the shit sure is funny!!

I was trying to find a kudos picture for Ace but this came up instead so I decided to just roll with it.  What can I say?  It's Friday!  JUST ROLL WITH IT!



Cause we're homies like that!  :)