I Refuse To Kill Myself Anymore

Today is a day of seriousness.  It is also the first day of the rest of my life.  Seriously.  

Jasper/Jackson, since I cannot reveal my identity, I am borrowing your serious face.  Thank you.

Today is the last day I will ever smoke a cigarette for the rest of my life.  Yep.  I said it and I ain't even playin!  I have been smoking since I was 15 and I have had enough. 

The first cigarette I ever smoked was one of my step dad's cigarettes.  I will never forget that day.  It was a Kool and it was GROSS.  I was at home alone and I was bored.  I missed my Mom and my family and I was so sick of staying at home (a home I hated) by myself.  I felt so alone and hated my life.  So, I decided to find something to do with my time by trying one of his cigarettes.  Let me tell you....I fell down flat on my back in the middle of our back yard coughing and hacking with tears streaming out of my eyes.  I wish my Mom had been there to help me because I thought I was dying.  After that first time, it took me awhile but I eventually tried again, and again, and again until I got good at it and could even inhale without coughing.  What a loser.  What was I thinking?!  I knew smoking was bad for you but I was just determined to do something, anything that would make me forget the hell I was going through at home. 

I really didn't care about myself at this point so it didn't matter that I knew that cigs were bad.  I just didn't give a fuck.

I started smoking not too long after the first few experimental times.  The more I searched, the more people my age I found that smoked.  I made those people my friends through smoking cigarettes.  We bonded instantly.  I also hung out with a lot of people who were older than me and were experienced in smoking (I had to have someone to buy my cigarettes for me since I was underage).  Eventually, I told my Mom that I smoked and she said she already knew that.  She could smell it on me since she never smoked.  Not too long after that, she started buying cigarettes for me.  I could bully her into doing anything, probably because of her absentee parenting and her guilt because she knew she was doing me wrong.  (That's a whole other story that I refuse to delve into today)

I've been smoking ever since.  I've been smoking a pack a day since I was probably 16 or 17.  I turned 30 this past March and I've been lying to myself for a long time.  If millions of other people smoke, I can too.  I won't die of lung cancer.  WRONG.  I mean, Jesus Christ, Grampa Darling has emphysema and that's still not enough to convince me.  (PS, he smoked a LONG time ago but hasn't smoked for many many many years which tells me that you're never safe)  I have also been lying to my Gynecologist who told me that if I was still smoking when I turned 30 she would no longer prescribe me birth control pills because it raised my chances of having a stroke.  So, once a year when I go to see her and get my pills, I become a non-smoker (for about 2 hours and before I even leave the parking lot, I am lighting up again).  Pathetic.  

Add birth control pills.  Your chances go WAY up.  What an idiot!!!

And, instead of just stopping smoking, I have been trying to convince Supa to get a Vasectomy so that we could NOT get pregnant and I could keep right on smoking!  WHAT THE FUCK!?!  I can still have stroke just from smoking alone.  What was I thinking??!!



I have been looking for these signs in myself because I know I have been killing myself for 15 years straight.

I don't really know what has gotten into me lately.  I have been constantly thinking about the fact that I'm going to get lung cancer.  I just know I am!  I'm going to die an early and unthinkable death because I smoke.  I can't stop these awful thoughts from bothering me every single day (lately).  I have smoked for many years without giving a damn what-so-ever if I die of smoking or not.  Where are all these concerns suddenly coming from?  Who knows?!  

Probably from this little guy right here.  I always knew better, I just chose to say Fuck it.  I don't care right now.  When I have lung cancer I'll deal with it then.  WTF?!  That will be too late, Apple!!

Regardless of where these thoughts are coming from, I think that it's about time to start really taking care of myself because I want to live till I'm 90.  I want to be able to enjoy my life without being a SLAVE to cigarettes.  I am sick and tired of spending my hard earned money on poisoning myself.  WTF. 

So, yesterday I was once again trying to convince myself that smoking was OK fucking mother fucking really?! so I was looking up celebrities that smoke (because if they fucking smoke, then it's OK for me to smoke, right?).  One of the celebrities on the list was Ellen DeGeneres but the website said that she quit smoking by reading a book.  WTF, what book?!  I want the damn book!  So,  I looked it up online and since I wasn't willing to pay $20.00 for said book, I just found a free PDF and downloaded it.  BEST THING I'VE EVER DONE.


She sure doesn't look like she used to smoke.  I looked all over the Internet for a picture of her smoking but I couldn't find one.  Excellent! 

I read the whole book (all 111 pages, LOL) yesterday and today and I'm done.  It was the best thing I have ever read.  It gives a completely different outlook on smoking and basically lets you know that in order to quit, you need to stop being brainwashed into thinking what society has always taught us to think about smoking.  It's all bullshit.  I'm not giving up anything by quitting smoking.  I'm gaining my whole life back by quitting.  I used to think, "OMG, I'm doomed.  I have to give up something I love."  OMG, really?!  I hate smoking!  HATE IT!  I have to smoke because I am addicted to the drug that is nicotine.  I'm sick of being a drug addict and it's time to reclaim my life and stop being a slave!  I'm burning my money up!  Literally!!  

There's my money.  In one nice pile for your viewing pleasure.  What a fucking waste of time and money!!

I vow, right here, right now.  I will never smoke another cigarette for the rest of my life.  I will not pollute my body (the only body I get mind you) and be dependent on drugs ever again.  Tonight, right before Supa and I go to bed, we are smoking our last cigarette together and trashing the ones we have left.  I am so excited to start my new life!!  Every time my body feels the need to have nicotine, I am going to rejoice that I am not giving in to the urge and I am now a NON-smoker. 

If anyone wants the PDF of the book (Allen Carr's Easy Way to Quit Smoking) just let me know and I'll shoot you an email with the book attached.  It did wonders for me.